Scientists thought they were dreaming, but it turns out that yes, there is a brand-new gas on the block – an emission created by petulant tweets that can be converted into energy. And it just might save the world.
“We thought we’d identified all of the naturally-occurring gases,” said Dr. Han Jimson. “This one escaped our notice because of its extreme rarity – until now. Shortly after the Republican primary ramped up, a researcher at radionuclide station RN75 in Charlottesville, Virginia noticed some off-the-chart readings.”
Radionuclide station RN75 is one of 80 stations worldwide that can detect radioactive particles in the air that may originate from a nuclear blast. A series of tests confirmed the rogue gas was unique, and tracer technology located the emission source – not in a nuclear blast, but in a long series of petulant tweets.
The new gas is actually an element, and will be included in the periodic table under a new column, “Ignoble Gasses.” The “noble gases” are so-called because they do not react with other elements. The new category of “ignoble gases” reacts to anything that gets posted on the internet.
“We’ve named it Igorge, and its symbol will be ‘Ig,’” said Dr. Hanson. “Until now, we didn’t know where the hot-air energy used in emitting petulant tweets went. Now, that mystery has been solved, too. The energy reacts with electrons in the internet of things and opinions, creating Igorge.”
Unlike 20th century experiments that sought to derive energy from pre-social media gas-bags, the petulant tweet gas Ig can be readily harnessed by a process called “air-fracking” that sucks everything we once held sacred into a vacuum, and then extracts from it whatever bullshit capitalism can sell back to us.
Some environmental activists raised concerns about air-fracking’s effect on the overall concentration of available oxygen, but officials from the incoming administration assuaged those fears. “We’re entering a period of belt-tightening to make America great again. If oxygen levels decline, the American people will adapt, as they always have. Meanwhile, Igorge exports will bring in huge amounts of profit, which will trickle down to the average Joe. Igorge will be huge, huge, huge, and everyone will be driving gold-plated limousines soon.”
Scientists say it will take several generations, however, for brain and lung capacity to shrink and adapt in response to a reduced supply of oxygen. The current generations of humans on the planet can expect to experience periodic befuddlement.
Last week, I started writing satire. Bullsitist published my first one, “Operation Keep It in Your Pants.“